


Different but alike

by Samara Lilly (Amber_Rose)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:09:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Rose/pseuds/Samara%20Lilly
Summary: “And there’s the problem,” Aziraphale sighed, “I can imagine what you want. But that’s not me. I can’t give you what you want or need, Crowley. I don’t have it in me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could be the man you want, but I’m not.”“You are everything I would ever want! Since I met you for the first time you always gave me more than I expected. You have spread your wing over my head, when the first rain fell. And I can still feel this wing, protecting me and sheltering me. You saved my life, angel, and I owe you so much…”“Maybe. But you must have… urges, that I will never be able to fulfill.”“What the hell are you talking about?”





	1. Crowley

Being a demon didn’t mean you knew everything from the start. There were many things Crowley didn’t understand about the human race. Many of them had to do with emotions. But if he wanted to make a good job, he would have to understand humans better. What inspired them. What scared them. What they hated, what they loved, what they desired. It was not so difficult to find  
out about one of the most important needs humans had: sex. It was easy to understand the basics: sex was pleasurable. You could tell by only watching people do it. But was it really that pleasurable? So if Crowley found out more about it, he would be able to understand it better. And therefore to be able to invent better ways to cause a little trouble for the humans.

Over the centuries he started to develop a certain fascination with the topic of sex, became somewhat obsessed with it. He watched humans have sex, trying to find out, why it was so important to them. All other animals (except maybe the bonobos) had sex to procreate. Simple as that. Only humans did it mostly because they enjoyed it. Some of them more than others, only very few abstained from it completely. And throughout the centuries human’s approach at sex changed from time to time. But it still seemed to be a natural need. 

And finally Crowley became curious. Did it really feel so good? And he decided to give it a try. Strangely enough he was a little reluctant to try it out. He didn’t know exactly why. But surely he would find out. For some time he was not sure how and where to start. Until he finally decided that it would be best, if he knew his own reactions before he started to experiment with humans. What brought him to some basic facts about his own nature. 

He had human genitals, but didn’t have to use them. Everything he ate and drank was just magically absorbed, if he wanted to. He didn’t need to use a bathroom for other purposes but washing, bathing, grooming himself. It was quite nice. When he was still young, Crowley never spent many thoughts about his own penis or testicles. They were part of him like his hands or ears. After years of watching the human race, after his fall, he came to the conclusion that the invention of genitals hadn’t been one of God’s brightest ideas. Sex, no matter if it was bees, lions or humans, mostly led to misery, sometimes even death. 

And finally Crowley started to experiment on himself, first. To see if every part of his body worked like it should for an experiment like this, before he started with humans. It was in ancient Egypt. Crowley served as a priest in the temple of Apophis - a very fitting place for a demon who could turn himself into a snake. Apophis was the embodiment of chaos and always portrayed as a giant snake. It was a fun time. Of course Crowley knew better and that the whole Egyptian divine world was not real. But being a high priest, in fact the highest of them all, had it’s benefits. His lizard eyes proved him worthy of his position, and he was able to cause a lot of trouble among the Egyptian population. 

Crowley had a wonderful house, complete with a garden and a lot of slaves. If he wanted anything, everyone would hurry to fulfill his every wish and command. Today he wanted a warm bath and then some time alone only for himself. His slaves had already filled the bathtub, carved from a giant block of marble, with hot water. Crowley entered his bathroom, when one of his slaves emptied the last bucket of water into it. He sent him away with a flick of his wrist.

„Leave me alone. No disturbances,“ he ordered and reached for the fastenings for his clothes. The slave bowed and hurried to leave his master. Crowley let his clothes fall to a heap on the floor. He walked over to his bathtub and tested the water with one hand. It was exactly how he liked it and he slowly slid into the tub, sighing, when he rested his back against the already warm marble, and closed his eyes. He enjoyed his bath for a few minutes. Finally he felt relaxed enough to start to try his experiment. He had seen more than enough humans pleasuring themselves, it couldn’t be that difficult. 

Crowley let his hands wander over his body: his chest, his belly, his flanks, his thighs, back up again, trying to copy what he had seen many times. He circled his nipples, felt them pebble and harden under his fingertips. It felt nice and sent a tingling feeling through his body. He continued this for a moment longer, until his hands moved to his groin again. He looked down, when he gave his penis a soft caress along the whole length. He had never tried this before. He had only washed it, no need to do anything more with it. He had never experienced an erection before. 

Slowly Crowley moved his foreskin over his glans, watching for any changes. It felt nice, just like before, when he had touched his nipples, and then he felt a response. A twitch, a pulse, a spark of… something. He wasn’t sure. His other hand trailed further down, touched his balls. Another faulty design in his opinion. Why weren’t they safely inside the body? A blow or kick to the balls hurt like hellfire, he had heard. Why expose these delicate organs that way? One of God’s jokes? He couldn’t know, but it certainly felt good to touch them, roll them in his palm, feel the smooth movement beneath the skin of his ballsack.

And that’s when he felt his penis harden in earnest. Crowley gasped and watched, how his member swelled, the foreskin slowly retracting from the bulky head of the glans. It got more and more sensitive, and Crowley hissed. Sweat started to form on his forehead. That was new, too. His hand on his penis moved a little faster now. He tried to find out what felt the most pleasant. A little twist of his wrist at the end of every upstroke seemed to do the trick, when he let his thumb glide over the slit in his glans. That certainly felt very good, and he felt the skin of his ballsack tighten. The tingling feeling deep inside him seemed to crawl up his spine. Crowley took a sudden breath. Oh - his heart began to race, while he sped the movements of his hands even more. 

And then everything went blank for a moment, when spasms grabbed his body. He shuddered, everything was pulsing and tingling. His muscles were contracting and he felt his penis swell even more, before it jerked in his hand, expelling a milky white liquid into the water of his bath. It only lasted for a few breaths, and Crowley was grateful for this fact, because it was overwhelming, confusing, scary and satisfying all at the same time. He gasped for air and let go of his genitals, trying to process what had just happened. He stared up at the ceiling, still feeling the tingling sensation and goosebumps all over his body despite the still warm bathwater. He wasn’t able to think properly for a few minutes, while he felt his penis soften and everything slowly went back to „normal“. When he was able to think again, he licked his lips and looked around. But he was still alone, no curious slave around. When he looked down onto his body he saw some last streaks of his semen in the water. Suddenly disgusted he hastily stood up and left the bathtub, grabbing a piece of linen to towel himself dry. Naked he left the bathroom and hurried to his bedroom.

The clean sheets were pleasantly cool, when Crowley threw himself onto his bed. So that, he thought, was what it was all about? That was what the majority of humans craved? What they even committed crimes for? Was that all worth it? Yes, it had felt good. But THAT good? Maybe he should give it another try, this time with a human. Just like he had wanted to in the first place. Maybe it was different when he was with someone, when the experience was shared. But he was too tired right now to think more about it. It seemed even demons had a need for some rest after an orgasm. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted to sleep.

As it turned out, sharing the experience didn’t make it any better for Crowley. On the contrary. He chose several very different partners - male and female. He tried different variations of sexual encounters. He pleasured others with his hands and mouth, he fucked some women and some men and received the same treatment from them. Being pleasured by others felt nice - except being fucked by one of the men he was with. It was nothing he ever wanted to try again. It felt strange and unpleasant. And the more he tried, the more he knew: He didn’t need any of this for himself. He didn’t want any of this. This kind of intimacy scared him and felt wrong. He tried masturbating again and found it wasn’t worth his time, either. 

Throughout the following centuries Crowley gave it another try from time to time. But every time it was the same. It just wasn’t his cup of tea. Maybe it was because he was a demon. He didn’t know. The only person he could ask about this, was Aziraphale, his angel best friend, the only being he truly felt something for. But he never worked up the courage. And in the end it wasn’t that important. 

In the 21st century many things had changed. Crowley had lived celibate for the last 2.000 years and had never missed anything. But the beginning of the 21st century brought up something he had never deemed possible. The internet had - of course - been an invention of hell. Crowley himself had played a not so minor role in it. Demons usually were not very good with technology. Crowley was an exception. And in his leisure time he used the new medium for his own research. And finally found a term that was new to him: asexuality. 

He spent many nights reading and browsing, putting the pieces together. One morning he took his cup of coffee out onto his balcony, stepped close to the landing and admired the spectacle that was the sun rising over London. It was still chilly out here, spring just starting. Steam rose from Crowleys coffee mug, when he blew into it and sipped the hot, strong brew. He felt a relief that was still a surprise. He finally had a label for himself - if he wanted to find himself a label, that was. He was asexual. This term fitted him. And he finally felt better. He was not faulty, nothing was wrong with him. He just didn’t like sex. He didn’t want it. He didn’t need it. And that was fine. He was not the only one. 

Beneath him London started to wake up. The streets became busy, the traffic started to flow. Pigeons flew from their resting places into the city centre to pester the tourists for crumbs. And Crowley felt good. There was just one little problem, that was still nagging him. His feelings for Aziraphale.

The angel Aziraphale was the most important constant in his life. They had been enemies and friends for 6.000 years now. And Crowley knew now, that love and lust didn’t have to necessarily go hand in hand. He felt a deep love for Aziraphale. Far more than he was supposed to. And had hidden it very well throughout the millennia. Maybe too well. But his love was always there. Sometimes he had the feeling Aziraphale suspected something. Or maybe even knew? But he never acted upon it. He was his friend. His best friend. Crowley knew he would never get more than that. Aziraphale was an angel. He was pure. He was innocent. He was above a selfish love to one particular person. 

And even if Aziraphale fell in love with someone it would certainly not be a demon. A demon, who wasn’t able to do anything good. A demon, who would only taint him. A demon, who would detach him even more from Heaven. No. Crowley would never do that to Aziraphale. He was the love of his eternal life, but if friendship was the only thing he would get from Aziraphale, Crowley was fine with it. Just keeping Aziraphale as his best friend was more than he would have asked for millennia ago.


	2. Aziraphale

Aziraphale was an angel. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be curious. He had a human body, and after a few centuries on earth, watching the human’s every day life, being among them, being a part of it, he asked himself, what pleasantries this world had in store for him to try. There had been many temptations already. The smell of food was one of them. 

Aziraphale didn't have to eat, of course. But he wanted to. The first meal he ever had was a roast chicken and freshly baked bread. He had been invited by a family who had set up their tents near a well in the desert of what was later to be called Israel. The mother of three boys had invited him after he had helped to bring back one of their goats that had gone missing. This first meal was an experience Aziraphale would never forget. He had always loved the smell of food. To eat it for the first time was divine. The textures and flavors exploded on his tongue, and he knew he was tainted for the rest of his life. 

That’s when he started to experiment. Not only with food. There were other things he tried, things humans seemed to like. He joined them in some of their games. He joined them for a dance. He listened to old men tell fantastic stories. He went swimming, learnt to ride a horse. It was all delightful, and he started to grow more and more fond of humanity. Yes, the wars were awful. But that was part of their life, nothing Aziraphale could do anything about. And then there was sex. 

Aziraphale had watched the humans many times throughout the ages. He had witnessed how happy this act seemed to make them. And curious as he was, he accepted, when finally a woman invited him into her house some centuries later. 

It had been a sensual experience. The woman’s tiny house smelled of food and burnt herbs. He was offered a cup of wine (which he had grown very fond of, too) and some dates. They talked, the woman smiled at him and played with her dark brown hair, partly hidden beneath a cloth. She smelled of honey, dust and underneath clean sweat. Aziraphale liked how she smelled, how she looked, how she smiled at him. He was no idiot. He knew very well why she had invited him. But he had no clue how to react upon it. They didn’t talk much, just exchanged some pleasantries and small talk, before the woman’s hand landed on Aziraphale’s knee.

They were sitting next to each other on a soft carpet with some pillows on the floor. The wine made Aziraphale a little braver, and he smiled at her. He had to tell her he had never done this before. It was only fair to warn her.   
“Sweet lady, my apologies, but…” Aziraphale blushed, “I’m afraid I am not… sure what to do. Your intentions seem very clear to me. And it’s fine. It’s just that…” Why was it so hard to tell her the simple truth?   
But she smiled. “You’ve never done this before, am I right?” she asked. Aziraphale nodded.   
“I suspected that much. Every other man would have ravished me already. Don’t worry. I’ll show you how it’s done. As long as you enjoy yourself, everything’s fine.”  
And with that she bend over to him and kissed him. 

Aziraphale felt a wave of heat rush through his body. Her lips were soft and warm. This close she smelled even more like honey, but when she opened her mouth to let her tongue tease over his lips, he could taste the wine they had shared. He sighed, when he allowed his lips to open, too and felt her tongue caress his own.

Things went quite easily after this first kiss. She took the lead, and Aziraphale followed. Her warm, firm hands started to explore his body, and she encouraged him to do the same. First he was hesitant to touch her, but grew more confident with every minute. The woman kissed his throat, nipped at the sensitive skin. It was just this instant that Aziraphale felt how hard his penis suddenly was. Something that had never happened before. It felt… strange, but pleasant. The fabric of his robe was dragging over his skin, far more sensitive than usual. Even his nipples reacted to the slow slide of fabric, as the woman’s hands moved over his back and to the front of his body, searching for the clasp of his robe. Her fingers made quick work of it. Aziraphale had no chance to stop the robe from falling from his shoulders. He shivered, felt exposed. But the woman gave him a last kiss and retreated from his arms to quickly undress. 

Aziraphale swallowed, when he admired her body. She was beautiful, all smooth curves, her skin soft and perfect. Her dark hair was falling freely now that she had removed every item of clothing. She knelt down next to him and carefully pulled his robe from his body and let her eyes and hands admire what was now exposed to her. Aziraphale shivered, when her fingers gently touched his hardened nipples, traced down his ribs and over his belly. He watched her, when she moved down to kneel next to his hips. He gasped, when she dragged her fingertips over his penis. His member was hard and hot, and every touch tingled and made the organ throb. 

“That’s a nice cock you have here. Let’s take it to good use, shall we?” She smiled again, leaned over him and took him between her lips. Aziraphale tried his best not to buck up into this unexpected touch and moaned. It was not long, until his member was engulfed in wet heat, suction and licks that were starting to drive him mad. He had never thought it would feel like this! His body was on fire, he was writhing beneath her, until she released his member. She crawled up to kiss him and let him taste himself on her tongue. 

“My turn now…”, she whispered, took his hands and guided them to all the places she wanted to be touched. Her breasts were warm, soft and firm at the same time. They felt amazing to his touch. Her nipples were hard and a dusty pink. She gasped, when Aziraphale touched them. It was fascinating and a beautiful sight. Aziraphale didn’t resist, when she guided one of his hands down, down, down and finally between her thighs. She was warm and wet, and Aziraphale held his breath. She moved his hand, showed him wordlessly how und where she wanted to be touched. Every slide of his fingers made her squirm, and it didn’t take long for Aziraphale to figure out what she liked best. 

He continued to pleasure her for a little while longer, until she pulled his hand away and straddled his hips. Aziraphale looked up at her. She was beautiful like this. But all thoughts went out of a metaphorical window when she slowly lowered her body and he felt the heat of her very core near his erect member. The first touch sent a bolt of electricity through his whole body, but she already sunk down on him, and Aziraphale’s fingers dug deep into her hips. He moaned. Heat engulfed him like nothing before, not even her mouth. It was a sensual experience. Knowing that he was inside her, that she trusted him enough to let him into her body was a thought that sparked his arousal. She started to move above him, lifting her body and slowly sinking down again in a steady rhythm. 

At some point she took his hands and moved them over her heated skin up to her breasts. Aziraphale was again fascinated. He tentatively pinched her nipples, and she moaned. He got a little braver in touching her. But she was still in control. She took her pleasure from him, guiding, him, directing him. Her movements became quicker, her breathing sped up. Aziraphale felt her wet sex clench around his penis. He started to rock up into her welcoming body. It seemed to be what she needed. She threw her head back, moaning. 

Aziraphale felt a tingling sensation deep inside his pelvis. It spread into his balls, drawing them up thighter to his body. He shuddered, and his penis swelled even more. He heard a guttural moan, and was surprised to find that he had made this sound. The woman’s body was clenching around his penis, she was moaning loudly while she practically slammed herself down onto Aziraphale’s erection. And then the angel saw stars, his vision blurred. All the muscles in the lower half of his body seemed to cramp, and he felt the sweetest agony while his genitals pulsed and pulsed. He was aware that he was panting, that he was moaning like she was. It wasn’t like anything he had expected. He felt raw, helpless, exposed, at her mercy. Was it supposed to feel like that? 

After a few moments they both had gotten their breath back. The woman smiled down at him.   
“That wasn’t so bad for a first time, was it?”, she said.   
Aziraphale didn’t know what to say. She was flushed and sweaty, her hair disheveled, but she looked content. He finally found the courage to say something, opened his mouth. But she reached out and put a finger onto his lips.   
“Shh… don’t spoil it.”   
So he stayed silent, even when she lifted her hips to let him slip out of her. Semen ran warm and sticky down his softening member and over his balls. He blushed. She laughed.   
“That’s okay. The mess is part of it.” She left the room, and Aziraphale was suddenly at a loss. What now? What was he supposed to do? Talk to her? Invite her for a meal? Thank her? Would she come back to cuddle with him? He sat up and looked down at the mess she had talked about. He pulled a face. Now that everything was done, it felt unpleasant. He looked around for something to clean himself with. That’s when she came back and handed him a wet piece of cloth. 

Aziraphale stood and turned his back to her, while he wiped his own semen and her juices from his skin. He heard the rustling of fabric, and when he turned around, she was already dressed. That obviously meant no cuddling, no romance. He should have known. She had been very straight forward in what she wanted. She had gotten everything, now was the time to part. Hastily Aziraphale put on his robe again and secured the clasp. But he didn’t want to just leave. What was he to say now? He blushed and avoided her gaze. 

“Well, sweet lady, if… if you want me to leave, I’ll… be on my way, then,” he finally said.   
The woman smiled. “You are a nice man. But it really is for the best if you leave me now. Thank you. It was nice to know you.”

And with that she accompanied him to the door, caressed his cheek once and sent him on his way. She hadn’t event told him her name. Aziraphale stood very still for a couple of moments before he was able to walk away. His mind was racing. It had been a pleasant encounter. He had experienced his first orgasm - an overwhelming experience. Pleasurable, but also scary. It had been a moment of profound vulnerability. He had been helpless to the pleasure, helpless to the woman who so freely took what she wanted and didn’t give a damn about anything else. Aziraphale walked home and threw himself onto his bed, still contemplating. Yes, he had enjoyed it. Part of it at least. But was that all? Was that all the humans craved so badly? Only some seconds of intense pleasure and then just this tiredness he felt at the moment? He had to conduct some more experiments. 

And Aziraphale did. Once he got a little more confident, it was no big problem to find someone to have sex with. He tried it with men and women, and he tried to pleasure himself. It felt nice to give pleasure to others. But more and more often he shied away when they wanted to return the favor.   
And he finally came to a conclusion: The feeling of a climax was still very nice. But he wanted to experience this in private. He didn’t want to expose himself to someone. It made him feel uneasy. His last sexual encounter with another being was shortly after the founding of Rome. After that he kept his sexual pleasure to himself. And it was fine. That’s just how he was. 

Although he sometimes wished he could talk to someone about it. But there was nobody he would share this with. The only one he really knew well enough and he could think of was Crowley, but the demon would be the wrong counterpart. He would certainly make fun of him. Someone as beautiful as Crowley must have plenty of experiences with sex and he surely liked it. He was a demon, after all. He wouldn’t understand why Aziraphale preferred to touch himself every now and then. 

The years went by, times changed. Sometimes drastically. The one thing that never changed, was Crowley. Crowley with his shining golden eyes and his flaming red hair, always impeccably dressed and styled, always so self-confident, always on the top of his game. And though they belonged to and worked for opposite sides, there was a silent understanding between them. Even more when they came to their little arrangement, which caused them to meet on a more or less regular basis. Over the time Aziraphale realized how much he enjoyed the time he spent with Crowley. He looked forward to it, and keeping his facade got more and more difficult. 

This facade really started to crumble, when Crowley walked into this church 1941 and rescued him, rescued the precious books and made it all look so playful and nonchalant. Aziraphale still felt this warm tingling affection for him when he thought about the sight of Crowley in the church, hopping from foot to foot because the holy ground burned his soles. But he was there, nonetheless, to help Aziraphale. How did this demon always know when he was needed the most? 

After that Aziraphale had to admit to himself that he felt far more for Crowley than he should. But it didn’t feel wrong. Love was a given from God. There was no need to question his feelings. If God had allowed him to fall in love with a demon, then so be it. 

And now here he was one day in London, opening the doors of his bookshop in the very early hours of the morning, cup of tea in hand. The first bin lorries were to be heard in the distance to rid London of the massive amount of waste this city produced every day. It was still dark outside on this early spring morning. Steam rose from Aziraphale’s cup, while he sipped his tea. He just stood there, leaning against the doorframe, and watched this part of the city awaken. He loved London more than any other city he had ever lived in. It was home. And it was where Crowley lived, too. Sometimes he wished he could tell Crowley how he felt. But he was sure, if he ever did, he would lose him. Crowley was different. He was a demon. He didn’t feel love like humans. Or angels for that matter. And losing Crowley was something he never wanted to happen. So if they could just be friends, he would gladly be just that. Aziraphale smiled into his cup. Life on earth had turned out just nicely.


	3. Together

Things changed after the armageddon-that-didn’t-happen and the confrontations and trials that went not to Heaven and Hell’s satisfaction. Aziraphale and Crowley still shared good meals, good wine, had a good laugh and enjoyed each others company. They still fed the ducks in St. James’ Park and strolled home together in companionable silence. 

But there were glances from Aziraphale Crowley couldn’t miss. He caught Aziraphale looking at him in a certain way, and he had no idea what to make of it. Did Aziraphale regret what they had done to fool Heaven and Hell? It had been a great success, they were free to do whatever they liked now. They still did what they had always done on earth: Crowley tried to cause trouble, Aziraphale tried to do good. But something was clearly bothering the angel. He sometimes looked sad, concerned, unsure. More than before they had saved the world. He should be happy. He wasn’t, Crowley could feel it. And that made him uncomfortable. He didn’t want to lose his best friend. His one love. If there was something wrong, why didn’t Aziraphale talk to him about it? Maybe he was afraid? But why? 

After a very fine dinner at a new sushi restaurant with some excellent sake they were on their way back to Aziraphale’s book shop for a last drink. Just like they often did now. And Crowley finally worked up the courage to ask Aziraphale: “You trust me, do you?”  
Aziraphale turned his head, looked at him in surprise. “Of course, dear. I thought you knew that after all we’ve been through.”  
“Then why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”  
“Nothing’s bothering me. What makes you think that?” 

Aziraphale started to fumble for his keys in his pockets and suddenly averted Crowleys gaze.  
“I’m a demon, not an idiot. You can tell me. Is it something we did? Do you regret anything we had to do?”  
“Everything we did was necessary. I don’t regret anything.”  
“But you look concerned. And… sometimes sad. What is it? Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?”  
Aziraphale stopped in his tracks, and so did Crowley.  
“What? No! You’re being silly, Crowley.”  
“I don’t think so. If it is something to do with me, you must tell me.”  
“I have nothing to tell you,”Aziraphale felt his cheeks heaten. Crowley could be stubborn, and he wouldn’t stop asking him until he got his answer. 

“But what is it, then? I thought we were friends.”  
“We are, dear. But it… it’s complicated. And nothing I want to bother you with.”  
“You could never bother me. What makes you think that?”  
Aziraphale started to walk again. He wanted to get to the bookshop as quickly as possible. Some good red wine would distract Crowley. It was only a short walk left to his sanctuary.  
“Angel!” Crowley hurried after him.  
Aziraphale averted his gaze. “It’s fine, Crowley. Really.”  
“If it’s fine, you can tell me.”

That was the one thing Aziraphale could not do. He was angry with himself. He must have unconsciously given something away. How stupid! He had gotten so comfortable around his friend. Too comfortable. Crowley mustn’t now what was really going on in Aziraphale’s heart. How much he loved him. How much he wanted to kiss him. To hold his hand. To lean into an embrace. Nothing more. Just that. It would make him the happiest person on earth. But he couldn’t tell Crowley about that now, could he? He would lose him, if he told him about his affection. And that - no matter how much he loved him - he wasn’t willing to get physically intimate with him. 

They had reached the book shop. Aziraphale unlocked the door and walked straight in. That was very unusual. Normally he would let Crowley enter first. Crowley noticed it, too. He saw the tension in Aziraphale’s shoulders, while the angel disappeared into the depths of his shop. A lamp in the back was lit. Crowley closed the door behind him and snapped his fingers to lock it. He heard Aziraphale rummaging for something and followed him. He was concerned. He must have done something. Otherwise Aziraphale wouldn’t be so stressed. He hadn’t been like that for years. 

“I’ve got a few bottles left of this Italian red wine you like so much. Shall I open one?” asked the angel and didn’t even wait for Crowley’s answer. Crowley heard the pop of a bottle being uncorked and the clinking of glasses. He tentatively made his way past the shelves stacked with old books and found Aziraphale in their usual spot in the back room of the shop. The angel had already filled two glasses and took a big swig, then he refilled his glass.  
“Sorry. Thirsty,” he said. Liar, thought Crowley. He knew lies when he heard them. He was a demon. Lies were his every day business. Crowley had thought they were beyond lying to each other. But was he even better? No. He couldn’t tell the truth about his feelings, either. 

Crowley took the glass Aziraphale offered him.  
“Thanks…” he murmured, but didn’t drink. He slowly walked over to his usual spot on the sofa. But his posture remained stiff. He looked uneasy. Aziraphale tried to ignore it. He emptied his glass and filled it again. Crowley seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. Aziraphale looked to his chair, then to the sofa. Before this whole drama with the antichrist Aziraphale had always taken the chair. But after that he had switched to the sofa, too. It had been nice to sit next to his friend. He had gotten used to it by now, and after a second of hesitation he sat down next to Crowley, an arm’s length of space between them. 

They sat like that for about 12 minutes. Crowley longed to shift a little closer, but didn’t dare to make the move. He wished he could just tell Aziraphale about his feelings… And asked himself what the angel was thinking about right now. Did Crowley give something away? Did he do something to already reveal his love? Was that the reason for Aziraphale’s behaviour? Was this what made him feel so obviously uncomfortable? Crowley couldn’t know. He was at a loss what to do. Should he ask again? 

Aziraphale still avoided to look at Crowley. Even though Crowley still wore his sunglasses, he would see that something was still wrong. So what now? He couldn’t tell Crowley, he was in love with him. He just couldn’t. But he couldn’t just sit here and feel awful, either. 

It was minute 13, when neither of them could stand the silence and tension any longer. They turned to one another at exactly the same moment.  
“Angel -“  
“Crowley -”  
They both chuckled.  
“You first,” said Crowley.  
Aziraphale sighed. Oh dear… what now?

“I’m sorry. I am not mad at you. You haven’t done anything wrong,” Aziraphale said quietly, “It’s just…” He didn’t know how to continue.  
“Angel… I know we had a difficult start to begin with. But since this airfield and this whole Armageddon business I thought we… I thought we finally really trusted each other. I have always trusted you. With my life. Remember the switch?”  
“Of course I remember. And I do trust you. It’s myself I can’t trust…” Aziraphale looked into his glass. Crowley’s words meant so much to him… how could a demon trust an angel like that? And they had both risked their lives. For each other. If there was that much trust, shouldn’t Aziraphale open up?

Aziraphale saw confusion on Crowley’s face, when he looked at him.  
“What does that even mean?” the demon asked.  
“It means… since we’re on own side now, we have nothing left to fear from our respective sides. But I still fear…” Aziraphale swallowed hard. Crowley’s heart beat a little faster.  
“Did anything happen? Was it this bastard Gabriel again? I swear, he’ll regret it if he ever threatens you again! You must tell me -“  
Aziraphale couldn’t suppress a chuckle, when he interrupted Crowley: “No, it’s not Gabriel. I haven’t heard anything from above. What I fear… has to do with you.”

Crowley put his wine glass onto the side table in front of the sofa. He prepared for the worst. Aziraphale sounded so very serious!  
Aziraphale took another sip from his wine. Then he, too, put the glass down, but started to fiddle with the hem of his waistcoat. When he looked up he saw the concern on Crowley’s face. He seemed to be prepared for the worst. The line of his jaw was tense, he sat unusually straight. 

“Crowley, my dear… you think I don’t know who you were talking about, when you told me you lost your best friend. When I was discorporated and found you in the pub, drinking.”  
Crowley winced. He still felt the pain, when he thought about the burning book shop. It had hurt like hell to not be able to sense Aziraphale - something he had always been able to. That’s how he had known the angel was no longer on earth. He had never felt so alone and so lost in his long life.  
“But I was not ready to talk about it. About… us.” 

Aziraphale was surprised that the words suddenly came now. And it seemed he couldn’t stop them once he had started to talk. What surprised him even more was, that Crowley seemed frozen in place, listening with rapt attention, lips slightly parted. 

“I know you meant me, dear boy. And I hope you know… how important you are to me, too. But… how could I admit it? We were never meant to be friends at all. And now here we are… Still together after all. And I wouldn’t want to change anything about it.”  
“Me neither,” Crowley hurried to admit. Aziraphale came a little closer now and put his hand on Crowley’s knee. A flash of excitement and affection hit Crowley. He looked down at Aziraphale’s hand and wished it would stay there forever. He wished he had the courage to cover his hand with is own. He didn’t dare to do so. 

“You are… everything to me, Crowley. But… no matter what I feel for you, I would never want to lose you as a friend.”  
Crowley’s heart was racing. What the angel had just said was sparking so much hope in him! And he had to say something now. If there was any chance for them to be more to each other, he had to take this chance.Maybe they could find a way. A way to be together in a very different way. To be really close. 

“You could never lose me. Don’t you know you had my damn heart from the very start? I know it’s not much of a heart compared to yours. But you always had it. You can have whatever you want from me.”  
Aziraphale heard the tremble in the demon’s voice. There was so much hope in this well known voice. And it made him terribly sad to destroy this hope now. But he had to be honest with Crowley. He owed it to him. 

“And there’s the problem,” Aziraphale sighed, “I can imagine what you want. But that’s not me. I can’t give you what you want or need, Crowley. I don’t have it in me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could be the man you want, but I’m not.”  
“You are everything I would ever want! Since I met you for the first time you always gave me more than I expected. You have spread your wing over my head, when the first rain fell. And I can still feel this wing, protecting me and sheltering me. You saved my life, angel, and I owe you so much…”  
“Maybe. But you must have… urges, that I will never be able to fulfill.”  
“What the hell are you talking about?” 

Crowley’s brows wandered upwards, he was confused. Was Aziraphale really implying…?  
“Oh don’t make me say it, please! It’s embarrassing enough that I am so broken and inadequate.”  
“Inadequate? Aziraphale, I swear, if you don’t tell me what this is all about, I’m going to play Queen for you until you beg me for mercy.”  
The joke seemed to melt away some of the tension, but Aziraphale was still ashamed. He took his hand from Crowley’s knee to wring his hands in his lap. Crowley immediately missed the soft touch and the warmth of Aziraphale’s hand. 

“I’ve watched the world long enough to know, that the urge to mate is one of the most driving ones there is. But that’s not what I want. Not what I like or need. Please, Crowley, don’t think badly about me, but…” Aziraphale tried to gather all his courage to tell Crowley the truth. He was prepared for the worst, looked at the tips of his shoes. And then he heard Crowley chuckle. 

Aziraphale looked up again and was met with a wide grin. Crowley was just taking off his glasses. He folded them and put them into the breast pocket of his jacket. His golden lizard eyes were always a sight, that took Aziraphale’s breath away. He was mesmerized by their beauty. Crowley scooted closer and turned towards him. 

“Angel, this is important. Really important.” He reached out to take Aziraphale’s hands. He felt the slight tremble of the warm, perfectly manicured soft fingers and gave them a reassuring squeeze.  
“What are you trying to tell me, is… you love me.”  
Aziraphale swallowed. He tried to be as brave as possible and wanted to be honest with Crowley. “I have always loved you. It just took me some time to realize it. But I do.”  
“You say you love me, but you don’t want to be intimate with me.”

Aziraphale’s gaze flickered away.  
“No. Don’t avoid me. Look at me. I’m trying very hard here. This is not my territory at all. Feelings and stuff. Just tell me, if I’m right,” Crowley pressed.  
Aziraphale’s fingers twitched. He wanted to flee. Crowley deserved someone better. Someone who could give him what he needed.  
“You know you are right. Don’t mock me,” said Aziraphale and finally tried to back away and remove his fingers from Crowley’s. But the demon didn’t let go so easily.  
“I would never mock you for this. Aziraphale… please.” Now Aziraphale looked up into Crowley’s eyes again. The small wrinkles around the demon’s eyes deepened, because he started to smile.

“You have no idea, angel. No idea…” He wanted to say so much more, to explain himself. But right now all he could concentrate on were Aziraphale’ blue eyes with the questioning expression.  
“No idea - about what, Crowley?”  
Crowley’s thumbs started to draw little circles on the backs of Aziraphale’s hands.  
“You don’t have to be afraid, angel. I will never force you into something you don’t want. And you… you are perfect just like you are. You are not inadequate and you are most certainly not broken.”  
“That’s nice of you to say, but… I know I am.”  
Crowley shook his head. “That would mean we are both broken. Possible, but not very likely. Listen…” This was still difficult. Crowley searched for the right words. 

“If you want to be with me… don’t worry about anything… physical. It would be more of a problem if you wanted that, because I don’t. You understand?”  
Aziraphale studied Crowley’s face. Oh how embarrassed the demon looked! The smile had faded again, and he tried his best to look more confident than he was. Aziraphale had never in 6.000 years seen Crowley like that. He tried to make sense out of Crowley’s words, and slowly the realization hit him. His eyes widened. 

“But I thought - you’re a demon! I assumed you would want…” Aziraphale looked at Crowley with fascination and hope. Could this be true or was he dreaming with his eyes wide open?  
“I’m a demon, but I’m not an incubus. I have no intention to seduce you or anyone else for that matter.”  
“You don’t?”  
“No. I know, it’s uncommon.”  
Crowley took a deep breath. It was the first time he was to talk about it to someone who was sitting face to face. He had only ever talked about it online in one of the different communities he had found on the internet. But if he could tell anyone at all it surely was Aziraphale.  
“I tried sex. Many times. On my own. With… people. And never came to like it.”  
Aziraphale blinked a few times and tried to process what he had just heard. To say he was surprised was the understatement of the century. 

“You don’t like it? Nothing of it? Not even when you touch yourself?”  
“No. I haven’t done it for two millennia. And I don’t miss it. So if… if you don’t want anything sexual with me…”  
“What about kissing?” Aziraphale asked. “Because the kissing is something… something I am… fond of, so to speak.”  
“Oh, um… I… kissing… ngk… Yeah. We can… I mean, if you want to, we can. T-try it, I mean.” Crowley felt heat creep into his cheeks. Why was he stammering? That was embarrassing! But he saw Aziraphale smiling and felt frozen in place, when the angel slowly leaned forward. Aziraphale’s breath ghosted over Crowley’s face. 

“So… what about this?” he whispered and gently touched his lips to Crowley’s. It was just a soft brush of lips, but it felt amazing.  
“Was that… was that okay?”, he asked hopefully.  
Crowley stared at him, speechless for the moment.  
“Crowley - say something?”  
“I… yes. Yes, more than that…” Crowley whispered. And a bright smile lit up Aziraphale’s face.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes. ‘M sure. Do… do it again, would you?”  
“As you wish, my darling…” And he did. 

Their kisses were chaste in the beginning. And it was fine. It felt amazing. Aziraphale scooted closer and closer, until they were pressed together and found themselves lying on the sofa. Aziraphale let Crowley take the lead, and so it was the angel lying on his back with Crowley sprawled over him. Aziraphale had his hands all over Crowley’s arms, his back and in his hair. He heard his soft gasps and smiled. How touch starved the demon must be after 2.000 years of loneliness! Their kisses had become more experimental, and meanwhile Crowley felt at ease with every touch of their tongues, with the glide of their lips together. Together! His human heart fell full to bursting with emotion. But the heat between them slowly cooled down to a low simmering ember inside both their cores, and they were both fine with it.

***

A while later Crowley’s head rested on Aziraphale’s chest. The angel’s hands were still caressing the nape of his neck and running through the red strands of his hair. They felt like silk, Aziraphale thought, very different from his own curls, which felt more like soft sheep’s wool. He already loved the way Crowley’s hair felt to his touch and knew he would never get enough of this.

“How are you feeling, my darling?” Aziraphale murmured and touched his lips to Crowley’s forehead.  
“I don’t remember Heaven like it used to be very well, but this is much better,” growled the demon. He basked in the scent of his angel, the feeling of his warm hands and his soft body underneath his own. He could turn into a snake and lie like this forever. Or at least take a nap a few decades long.  
Aziraphale chuckled. “Is that so…”  
“I have done many things, but I never lied to you.”  
“True…” 

They lay in silence for a while, and Aziraphale assumed, Crowley had fallen asleep, when he heard his voice again.  
“What do you think about?” The demon asked and immediately clarified: “When you… that is… when you touch yourself.”  
“Curious, are you?” Aziraphale smiled. His fingers started to knead the nape of Crowley’s neck. Crowley let out a contented sigh. “Course I am.”  
“Oh my dear… I think of you.”  
“You do?” Crowley lifted his head now to look into Aziraphale’s eyes.  
The angel smiled. “Of course I do. Who else would I think about?”  
“Don’t know. You… tried Sex before?”  
“I have. I thought that was obvious.”  
“And you… didn’t like it?”  
“Not with others, no. My first time was… with a woman.”  
“Did you go… all the way?”  
“We did. And… it scared me,” Aziraphale admitted.  
“Scared you?” Crowley shifted his body a little. He rested his folded hands over Aziraphale’s chest and his chin on top, so he could study Aziraphale’s face. The angel had to stop kneading Crowley’s neck. Instead he gently rested one hand on Crowley’s shoulder, the other on the warm skin of his neck. 

“It actually did,” he admitted. “It’s this feeling of… vulnerability. Of being at someone’s mercy. I felt… exposed. You are seen in a way… I personally don’t want to be seen in. Not by some stranger for sure.”  
“And someone you know very well? Someone you trust?”  
“Like you, my darling?” One of Aziraphale’s hands gently touched Crowley’s cheek.  
“Well… If… if you like to touch yourself and think about me…”  
“Do you want to watch?”  
Crowley had to admit he was intrigued. “W-would you let me?”  
“We can try if you want.”  
“I… maybe. Not right away. Not until I feel more comfortable.”  
“Alright. No pressure.” 

Aziraphale smiled at him. He asked himself how exactly all this had happened. Being this close to Crowley felt amazing. He could close the book shop for a decade just to lie like this with his demon lover. Lover? Was that even the adequate term? But what term was fitting for them? He thought about it for a while and decided that it didn’t matter what they called themselves. They were together. Finally. 

“Penny for your thoughts,” smiled Crowley who could practically see Aziraphale think. He slid up Aziraphale’s body now to kiss him again - slow and sweet and tender. Were demons supposed to be that tender?  
“Who would have thought we would end up as a couple back in our days in the garden of Eden?” smiled Aziraphale.  
“Certainly not me.”  
“Maybe… I once thought… Love is a given from God. What if this was all part of the Great Plan?”  
Crowley looked down at his angel. “You mean She knew us better than we did.”  
“Why not? She would never tell.”  
“Hm… So we are not supposed to question Her and…”  
“Just be together and love each other. If that’s what you want.”  
“Does it feel like I don’t? I’m here, am I not?”  
“You definitely are.” Aziraphale reached up and cradled Crowley’s face with both hands. “And I want you never to leave again.” 

Crowley let himself be dragged down, so Aziraphale could kiss him for a little eternity. When they finally parted again, they were both breathless.  
“But I have to mist and water my plants from time to time,” Crowley objected.  
Aziraphale smiled. “Poor things. Do you still yell at them?”  
“It seems to do the trick.”  
“You can bring them over, you know. There are enough windows and much more light upstairs in my flat.”

Crowley forze - again. “You… you mean, I could…”  
“You don’t have to. Not so soon. But if you decide it’s time… I would be glad to make some space. For your plants. And you can use my bed whenever you like. I don’t need it anyway.” Once again Aziraphale started to run one of his hands through Crowley’s already mussed up hair. Crowley didn’t care. The touch felt too good.  
“I’ll sleep over it,” he said and knew he didn’t have to. He wanted to be near Aziraphale - no matter what.  
“Good. Want to nap a little? You look tired.”  
That actually sounded wonderful to the demon. “If you don’t mind?”  
“No. Sleep, my darling.” 

Crowley settled back into a comfortable position draped over Aziraphale’s soft body and closed his eyes. He sighed deeply and placed one of his hands over Aziraphale’s heart. The slow, steady rhythm made him smile. This was all he had ever wanted. And all he would ever need to be happy. He heard a snap of fingers and knew, Aziraphale had miracled a book into his hand to occupy himself with while Crowley was sleeping. He listened to the turning of pages (by pure will, because Aziraphale’s other hand was still caressing him), the faint sound of London outside, Aziraphale’s slow breathing and felt himself already drift towards oblivion. For the first time in ages, since his fall, he felt like he was really belonging somewhere. Finally. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story became far longer than I first intended. 
> 
> About 10 years ago I stumbled over the term 'asexual' in an online forum. For a long time before I had the feeling something was odd with me. 
> 
> At this point I researched and read and joined the community. I was relieved to find out that there was so much more than just hetero-, homo- or bisexuality. The most important thing was: It was totally okay not to want sex. I was not broken. I was not a freak. There were other people who didn't want sex. And that was fine!
> 
> I now define myself as demisexual. I have found a wonderful partner, and with him everything is fine. But I learned some very important lessons. Sexuality is so versatile! Every asexual is different. Some like to touch themselves. Some like kissing. Some like cuddling. Some even have sex with their partners. Others do nothing of that. And everything is fine. And if you're lucky, you find someone who meets your needs. As long as both are happy, everything is fine. I hope I could portrait Crowley and Aziraphale in a way that makes sense. 
> 
> I appreciate your opinions and your comments, please leave me a few words! Thank you for reading!


End file.
